Over the years, I’ve collected some tips from working people on the ways they solved a communication problem with a boss, a co-worker, or even a friend or family member. One favorite was how people interacted with someone who saw only “One Way – My Way” to do something. Here are a few examples of how people handled those conversations.
Amanda says, “I had a micro-manager boss who wanted everything done just-so. He was nit-picky about how we formatted internal documents, whether we did this task first or second, and who we collaborated with to get things done. One day I reminded him of our department’s goal: “Customer First – Service Excellence”. I told him that internal documents, task sequencing, and work partners didn’t really matter for that goal. He was shocked but didn’t say anything. Two days later he told me I was right, and that he had just been trying to help me. We talked about it, and at some point, he said he was confident I didn’t need that kind of “help” and that he trusted me to focus on our goals. It’s been a different workplace then, and not just for me. I’m glad I spoke up.”
Davis told me, “One of my colleagues seems to think he is a coach. He tells me what to do and how to do it – and he has no interest in hearing my perspective at all. The other day he lectured me about how to fix a computer problem I was having. I had just looked up how to fix it and was almost done when he started giving directions. I heard him out, then showed him the instructions I was following from the computer manufacturer. He kept arguing for his ideas until I asked him to stop, and to let me finish what I was doing. Then I told him, “I promise that I will ask you whenever I need some help or coaching. You’re good at that, so I really will do it. But not this, not now.” He gave me a little smile and left me alone. I just might call him sometime. Or not.”
Max told me about an argument he had with his cousin about his car maintenance plan. He said, “I looked at the manual that came with my car. It’s a used car, so I even checked with the dealership to be sure I take care of it right. But my cousin disagreed and told me three other things I should do. I’m not going to do them, but he kept bringing it up. I finally told him, “Look, I’m not going to do those things, so you should stop wasting your breath.” He looked at me like I’m an idiot, and said, “That’s on you, then, whatever happens.” As if I didn’t already know that. But at least he has stopped bugging me about it. I’ll keep talking straight with him and maybe someday he will understand that I’ve already made up my mind about how I’m going to do some things. That way he can save his breath with me. And we can still be friends and go fishing together.”
The best bottom-line tip I got was this: When people are trying to tell you what to do, if you have already decided what you’re going to do, then just tell them you’ve already decided – and that you hope they will support you. That kind of straight talk saves time and doesn’t hurt feelings – it works in almost every case of communicating with a person who is trying to set you on the “right path” of doing things their way. It’s OK to do it your way.
And another tip – this one for those annoying wanna-be coaches: Landmark Worldwide (www.landmarkworldwide.com) taught me I should never coach anyone who is not asking to be coached. Brilliant advice, and a time-saver for everyone involved.