On Getting What You Want

The hardest thing about getting what you want is the problem of deciding what, exactly, you really do want. If the Lamp Genie offered you one wish, what would it be? Over 70% of people would ask for some time to think about it – which probably means they are living a pretty good life already. The almost-30% group would answer quickly, usually because they have some kind of emergency or are in dire need of something important (like food, shelter, and other basic resources).

But once you do know what you want, how do you get it? A friend recently told me this story as he drove off to a week-long getaway (he was talking to me on his car-phone):

“I wanted my girlfriend to support me in taking a solo summer trip to a quiet cabin by a lake. The place is a long day’s drive away from where we live, and I knew she would rather have me stay home with her. So I explained that I needed the “alone time” to clear my head and make some decisions about work, and that I would only be gone for a week and would bring back a nice surprise for her. Then I took her out to dinner at our favorite place. This softened her up and she helped me pack my stuff so I could leave early this morning. Now all I have to do is figure out what kind of “surprise” I need to bring her.”

This poor guy might need a few lessons in Straight Talk. He reminded me of a quote by Albert Camus: “Charm is a way of getting the answer ‘Yes’ without asking a clear question.” Wouldn’t it have been easier to just propose the idea (an Initiative conversation), discuss the ways it would alter their daily household routines (an Understanding conversation), then make a clear request (a Performance conversation)? Seriously, it’s not hard to say, “Would you please support me in taking a 1-week trip to the cabin so I can have some quiet time alone?”

But charm has its advantages, being softer-edged and less confrontational. It got him the answer he wanted. Now all he needs is a brainstorm idea for the gift he promised in order to close the deal when he gets home. Without that, he could join the 30% who need to put out a fire in their life.

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